I'm pooped

I've spent the entire day cleaning and doing laundry and I'm almost done! Yay! I still have to go to the store to do some shopping and fix myself some dinner cuz I'm getting hungry.

I've taken a whole pain med because it seems the pain just won't leave me alone. Even doing time on the elliptical machine doesn't help much but makes me feel better. I have to say these new meds are so much better! Figures because the doc is not going to let me keep taking them because they're 'habit forming'. But they Work!!!! are working! Ah well.

As for work, I'm still feeling terribly guilty about the blunder I made and until my boss returns on Monday I don't know what they're going to do. I spent all day yesterday thinking "IF ONLY I'D DONE THIS INSTEAD OF THAT then I wouldn't have made the stupid, stupid mistake." I talked to Lorraine and she actually stood up for me. She knows in all the time I've been working, I've never made such a mistake and we're talking at least 17 years, 7 of which doing the job I'm doing.

What I wish is for our client to come forwards and do the right thing but I'm afraid that's not going to happen. Why should it? It was my mistake and given the nature of the client's personality, he's long gone and won't ever come back, leaving me high and dry. Still if he did come back and do the right thing, it'd make building the bosses' trust a smidgen less humiliating.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm scared to death of loosing my job because of this mistake because I am. I'm terrified. Even if Lorraine assures me it won't happen and even if it doesn't it still leaves me with trying to rebuild the trust between me and the bosses which it's taken me all these years to get in the first place and I think it's going to be worse and a horrific blow to my onion paper ego to start over again. Right now I have no self esteem. None what so ever. Which is why I've spent all day cleaning. It's stress relief.

I'll find out on Monday what's going to happen if anything which means I'm just going to have to bend over and kiss ass and triple check all my work from now on until I get to the point where I don't have to work any more. But right now, I can't afford Not to work. Not with my two boys, house payment, approaching car payment (because Mer will be driving in a few years), continued health issues and then of course there's going to be college to think of for both my boys.

Meh.

It was a stupid, stupid mistake. Almost as bad as not wearing my seat belt all those years ago.