I understand, doesn't mean I have to like it

I suppose I should take a good healthy does of mine own pep talk. When Elz had his eye surgery last year, yes it may have look awful at the time - it didn't bother me because well, I used to be a trauma junkie and an ER geek. I've seen far worse than a surgical procedure. But it bothered the heck out of Elz.

Over time because of a childhood accident, Elz's left eye slowly adhered to the inside of the orbital socket limiting his eye movement and hindering his vision not to mention it kept his eye from closing completely. So after YEARS of this condition he gained the courage to have the procedure done to correct it. Yes it was successful, he has full range of movement of his eye once more, his vision improved yet it wasn't very successful in the long run in allowing him to close his eye completely. If anything now he has a rather permanent droop and his eye is easily irritated and turns bloodshot red.

This drives him absolutely nuts! and why he wears his sunglasses in public. He thinks everyone stares at his eyes, which honestly I don't notice unless it's truly swollen and looks about ready to explode it's so red. He's done two surgeries now, the original to fix the range of motion and the second to fix the horrible droop the first surgery caused. But the droop remains.

So what's your point Raven?

My point is, I can't stand the way my face looks. I know because of genetics, I have a very round face to begin with. I am half Navajo, quarter Eskimo and quarter Russian - so yes I have a very high and wide cheek bones, round cheeks and a pointy chin. But with the escalation of my TMD, inflammation has my face at times appearing like those chickmonks who stuff their cheeks to maximum capacity not to mention it hurts like holy hell!

Granted these last few months of PT and constant use of Traumeel and Advil helps with the inflammation, I don't like the way my face looks. I don't smile if I can help it, a grin is the most you'll get out of me these days. Not to mention it takes a lot of effort to actually be able to smile and too much talking will set off the inflammation again.

Like yesterday, I had to answer the phones in the afternoon. It was a really slow day - thankfully - but what additional talking I did has me very tight and sore today. I WAS up to 12mm on my Therabite but I've had to back it down to 8mm because it simply hurts too much. And the damn inflammation is back and I don't like the way my face looks even though people would be polite and say, "You look fine!" just like I tell Elz, even though I mean it. He still looks as handsome to me today as the day I met him. His eye doesn't bother me but I fear my face and all the changes I've gone through these last 25 years of having this TMD has changed me for good and I don't like it.