Questioning my own motives

So why has Raven been so damn quiet of late, unusual for Raven, this I know.

Well, I really don't like holidays. This goes back to the time when my parents still lived together, when I was about 6 or so and they'd always tell me, "You've been a whinny cry baby I doubt you'll get anything this year." And when Christmas would come around I seriously believed in Santa Clause and again they'd tell me, "You're a spoiled and ungrateful brat who should be grateful to get anything - you're just not good enough." and of course we'd get this huge ass tree and it took me years to figuring out that to emphasize thier point on how a rotten child I was, they wouldn't put any gifts out, unless it was for the other, until Christmas eve and after I'd gone to bed so the next day they could tell me, Santa didn't leave you anything but we decided you were good enough and bought you some presents.

Then the Divorce happened. I hated it. The fights my parents would get into and place me between them. I hated it. I hated living with my mom who was just absolutely sure I was always "Doing Drugs!". If I was feeling down, or not feeling well it was always, "well if you would just confess to what drugs you're taking then I could get you the help you need."

I have never done drugs. EVER.

My father told me when they divorced I couldn't ever call him dad again. I had to call him by his first name at all times. I don't really like my father and I haven't spoken to him for over six years and it really doesn't bother me.

So when I moved out for college it was a god send. I loved my boyfriend whom I married about three years later, but having come from such a broken family - my family consists of four members, including me compared to Elz's family: Each parent having 6 to 12 siblings and their familys and kids and grandkids! plus his sisters and thier familys and the countless cousins!!! Holidays at his family was and is still overwhelming for me.

So for me in my head I've got to balance not enough holiday cheer (my family) and far too much to deal with (Elz's family) to find the middle to celebrate with my boys. I want them to be happy and do the decorations and have presents to look at under the tree and to be able to add to them on Christmas Eve because Santa was there.

But all in all, I hate dealing with family. Before I stopped speaking with my dad a typical holiday was: Get up early to celebrate with our little family, drive to my mom's across town whose house is like a museum because the boys are not allowed to touch anything hence the reason they don't like going there. Spend a few agonizing hours with my mom who will be 99.9% drunk only to use the excuse we have to see my dad who lives on the out skirts of town who when we get to his house ignores us in favor of watching football then has the ball-balls to complain, You're leaving? So soon? So then we can go visit my manic depressive brother who couldn't think of one happy thing about holidays to save his life and never lets us forget until we leave. After all this then we get to stop by Elz's parents who are so much more laid back but by this time we're so stressed we just want to go home.

These last few years I've finally learned to just say No. We're doing our family thing at home and if YOU want to come to OUR house then you are more than welcomed but this all day running around crap came to an end and I am on the road to recovery. But still, if it weren't for my boys I'd really loath any holiday. Through them I can live what I missed out when I was their age.

Although out of the blue about a month ago my mom called, she'd been with her friends and they started talking about family and she said she'd come to realize just how she and my dad had raised me. She was actually crying and couldn't apoligize enough for it. At first I thought, what the hell was she carrying on about but ya, I've been thinking on it for a while and it really means alot that she called me. BTW, they are not my biological parents. I was adopted at age 2.

So I always get a bit quiet and grouchy around Thanks Giving and Christmas. I try not to give in to the dark cloud of doom which I did last year and it was so hard to shake it.

So there ya go. Raven gets quiet around this time of year, it’s just the way I am. It doesn't mean I'm not reading your blogs because I do and I even start to leave comments but then think - oh crap that is the dumbest and lamest thing ever! You can't say that! - and end up deleting it.

Also of late the facial pain is getting to me. Really getting to me so much so I begin to doubt why I'm going to any doctors because nothing helps. Nothing. I've been prescribed a stronger muscle relaxant and sure it helps for a few hours before it wears off. But it's a so called 24 hour med which means I can't take a second dose until the proper time. Plus it suppose to be sooooo fricken strong that for a 30 day supply they only give you 20 tablets and you have to figure out how to make it last. What kind of screwed up logic is that!

So of late, anything I eat my face begins to hurt about hour afterwards. The pain is getting to me folks. Makes it hard to think, hard to talk, hard to be nice and if its too much I just want to end it all and I really could care less how it ends just so long as it does. And before you all start giving advice here's what I've done so far to "Fix" the pain these last twenty five years.

Endless Physical therapy
Massages
Tens machines
Cortisone injections
Steroids
Hot packs / Cold packs
Pain med
Anti inflamatory med
Currently taking two muscle relaxants
Acupuncture
Swimming
Customized dental splints, ridge and soft
Epidural injections
Spray and stretch therapy

So far the only way I can find real relief is my heating pad and daily walks because I think the cold air is helping with the pain even if my face feels frozen at least it doesn't hurt and before you suggest it, I am scared witless by chiropractors, so sorry it's not happening. Although my neurologist has told me if the other doctors she keeps referring me to can't find a source for this pain that she would give me the botox injections directly into the muscles. God! I wish I didn't have to jump through these hoops to achieve this, it helped my boss who in fact referred me to this lady doctor. Yes I do know what botox is made of I also know what it does and if it freezes my face but takes away this pain I'll do it! I just have to be patient, I mean I've already put up with it for the last 24 years and been playing this hit and miss game with the new doc for the last four months, I just have to wait a bit longer. I hope.

So ya, I am currently seeing both a neurologist and rheumatologist and so far neither have been helpful yet and whether because its of the weather or the pain is just getting worse Raven isn't always good company to be around so I just stay quiet. Not to mention I do tend to use my Live Journal to post more random stuff on. It's just I've had it a lot longer, shelled out the bucks for a permant account status so I tend to use it more. So if you have an LJ, feel free to add me chances are I'll probably add you back.

And my final excuse, the absense of Judy. Where this time of year our family would always do things just for and with Judy, this year there is no Judy. It's still a big empty void where Judy should be.

BUT don't give up on me! *Sends a huge hug & smooch to Whimsical, thank you dear for checking on me, I'm still around. Lurking and writing out really long assed posts.


TA!