One week

My first week without Judy, of which I still cried for the most part but it's getting easier. I miss her so much it hurts bone deep but I have to keep thinking at least she's no longer hurting.

Judy's death has also forced our boys to grow up just a bit faster. They now must look out for one another. We're trusting them to be alone now after school and we're also having to buy another phone for the house.

Whimsicalnbrainpan Thank you for the Hugs. I really needed them. *hugs back*

You know what the worst part about Judy's death. Being alone with no one to share my sadness with. I had to "Keep it" together so as not to upset the boys any more than they already where. I didn't have anyone to cry with which was probably why I've cried myself to sleep too many times this last week. I just miss Judy.

It was hard to keep holding on to her hand while she died, I wanted to talk to her more, I wanted to keep her here, I didn't want her to die. But she did, she was tired and her family told me it was what she wanted which I wonder why they even asked me what I thought when they'd already made up their minds.

It made me angery when they wanted the alarms shut off on the monitering equipment because then they had to listen to her death. Well guess what folks, when death is occuring and you want to watch you're going to have to listen to it as well. Death is not a silent movie, its very real, it's not pretty and you all agreed to let her die. Listening to the macheriny should have been a small price to pay to let her go.

But I kept the alarms quiet, when they'd go off because her heart skipped a beat, or when her heart became slower, the rate wider, her breathing shallower and the CO2 levels kept rising. I kept my mouth shut and the monitors quiet.

I guess I'm still angry but in the end, its no one's fault. Its just the business of death and currently, an incurable disease.